FOLLOWING the success of her book, Mistresses Play, Men Stray, The Wives Stay, top Filipino author Jullie Yap-Daza shares her though-provoking views on just how sweet forbidden fruit really is.
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a mistress? The difference is financial. Girlfriends are independent and can assert their independence by spending their own money. If you're totally dependent, that's it.
You've talked to a lot of mistresses. Can you tell us one particularly memorable story?
There was one woman who never called herself a mistress. She used the word 'playmate' to describe her relationship with the man, who was then married.
When the man and his wife got a divorce, he asked her to marry him, but she refused. She said they were only playmates. She knows she will never marry the man.
And then the woman also became the victim of a mistress. It turns out her husband was also seeing another woman. That's what made her stop seeing her playmate. She said she didn't want a place in hell.
Did she believe it was a sin?
For 25 years the woman did not take communion, and everyone kept asking her why. Finally one night, she told her story to her parish priest, over dinner. The priest gave her an absolution and called her story "a beautiful love story."
I know a devout Catholic went to the priest to ask for forgiveness because of adultery. The priest said she couldn't be forgiven because the affair was still ongoing.
Who is the most successful mistress? A lot. These are the women who are recognized by the man's family and accepted by society.
Are mistresses happy? I think so. Why would they stay? Even without marriage? Mistresses should know it will never happen.
Why won't some husbands ever leave their wives? These men want to be in their comfort zone. A place where they are on familiar ground, and there is no need to uproot one's self or learn new rules.
They're in a place where they are used to the house help, and they know where the bathroom is. They know the bad side of their wives and they know how to dominate them.
Men want to have their cake and eat it, too. It is very rare for a Filipino man to leave his first wife to marry his mistress.
Why do men need mistresses? I asked that question in the Rotary Club. A Canadian man said, “You know why we do it? We do it ‘cause we can get away with it.” It’s the forbidden fruit. The allure of mistresses in the shadows, that’s her mystery.
A man I know also said, “It’s nice to wake up with a beautiful face beside me.”
At one point in a woman’s life she has to choose whether she wants to keep her face or her figure. When a woman is thin her face is compromised, it’s sunken. But if she wants a younger-looking face with no wrinkles that means she has to choose to be fat. It’s hard to be a woman.
So it's normal to have a mistress? Yes. Even taxi drivers have mistresses. During a marriage, the husband and wife can experience a sexual death. The wife bears children, finds other sources of fulfillment, her body gets bigger that is when men look for others. But you’ll be surprised. A lot of mistresses are not as pretty or as accomplished as the wife.
Why is this so?
Because mistresses don’t argue. Here’s a quote from Jun Cruz: “At the end of the day I don’t need a bright woman to argue with, I just want a pretty girl who will shut up when she needs to shut up.”
Men want somebody, someone who is low-maintenance emotionally. Men who have reached their Viagra stage especially lose a lot of confidence, and need women who try to restore it.
I know of a heterosexual, not bisexual, man who left his wife and kids for a transsexual, even if he knew she underwent a sex change. The transsexual told me it had nothing to do with sex. She simply fulfilled all his psychological needs. (Philippine Daily Inquirer)
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